if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
