two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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