Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
please don't ironically join a cult
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