omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
