if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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