im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
