She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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