allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
