so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The uberlube is also flammable
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
