I am puke
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
