a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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