she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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