He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
