Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
