I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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