You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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