When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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