If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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