I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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