Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Is Oprah even human
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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