Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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