I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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