Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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