I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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