Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
