Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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