ugly people sure do ruin things
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize