A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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