I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
