my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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