Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize