I'm jealous of your bromance
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
