You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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