The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
