that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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