I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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