There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
