When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
