Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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