so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Randomize
