So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
