Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
