I have demons in me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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