Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize