Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
