I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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