i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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