Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
