I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
