So drunk its hurt
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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