You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
