I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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