so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
