you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Randomize
