I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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