If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
