I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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