Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
