My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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