apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
