U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
