I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
