I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
