so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
