So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
