New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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