I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We're too hungover to prance.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
