I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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