I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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